Letting Go
by samanddianefan10
Summary: B.J. is sick and Hawkeye is the one for him in his hour of need. Slash.


1963

So many things ran through Hawkeye's mind as he boarded the plane to Mill Valley. He thought of all the things he wanted to say but he never got the chance. He thought of all the things that he had said but B.J. hadn't replied. Hawkeye was sure that those moments of silence were the kiss of death for their friendship but no, after a day or two the laughter would pick up right were it had left off and no one would be the wiser. Time and time again Hawkeye would try to forget his feelings for his best friend but B.J. would walk by him smelling so good or he would smile at him a certain way and it would drive him insane. And then there were the showers. That would drive a man to the brink of insanity. Being so close to someone you love so much and not being able to touch him would certainly constitute cruel and unusual punishment. And punished he was. For his feelings of love and yearning. For his wanting to touch his best friend. For his dreams of kissing another man. He'd often thought about going to Father Mulcahy and talking about his problem with him but somehow given the circumstance it didn't seem quite appropriate. Instead he chose to suffer in silence. Nothing anyone could have said could have made it better anyways. There were only three words that he wanted to hear anyways, and it was clear that he wasn't going to hear them any time soon.

So he tried to pretend that he didn't care. He tried to pretend he didn't notice the nurses flirting with B.J. He tried to pretend that it didn't hurt like hell when B.J. slept with Carrie Donovan. That got to him. He was with someone that he didn't even love. He talks of betraying his wife and that's why he couldn't be with Hawkeye, and yet he slept with another woman. Hawkeye was devastated. He himself turned to the comfort of another woman, actually three different women that week. It was the only way he knew how to drown out the pain of losing B.J. B.J. knew how he felt about him and yet he did that anyways. There was no way they could talk about that because Hawkeye saw that B.J. was suffering. So it was something left best unsaid. Another bridge between the two friends.

Some time passed after that incident before he and B.J. became close again. He felt betrayed, though he knew that he shouldn't. But he didn't want to lose his friendship, so the drinks in the swamp started again, and the lunches in the mess tent began again. The two men became inseparable. The showers started up once again, even though it tortured Hawkeye to be that close to the man he loved. Still, like an addict needs his drug, Hawkeye needs his fix of the man he loves and so would do anything to be next to the glorious B.J. He looked beautiful coming out of the showers.

Then there was the time they got lost on a ten mile hike. The boys took cover in a hut and spent the night together. Something nearly happened between them. They kissed, but B.J. pulled away before anything more could happen. He was a victim of "go away wait a minute" syndrome. He wanted Hawkeye, it was obvious, but he had many reservations. All of this served to frustrate Hawkeye all the more. Hawkeye was learning a great deal about patience with his friend. Nothing happened that night, but B.J. spent the night being held by his best friend. And it felt heavenly.

00000

Hawkeye finally arrived in Mill Valley and pulled up to B.J.'s house. It was a nice two story house, although it could have used some work. The grass obviously needed mowed and it could have used some landscaping. Reluctantly, he knocked on the door.

A skeletal B.J. answered the door.

Hawkeye's eyes widened as he looked at his friend. He rushed over to embrace his friend carefully.

"Beej." He whispered in his ear. "Beej."

"You're here. Thank you for being here."

"I wouldn't miss this for the world."

"Come in."

So the two men entered the house, Hawkeye tossing his luggage by the door. The house was decorated with pictures, mostly of Erin but a few of Peg still existed.

"Where…."

"They moved out. We decided it was best if Erin didn't see me like this." B.J. explained.

"What's wrong?"

"Can I get you some coffee?" B.J. asked as he headed to the kitchen.

"Sure. Cream and sugar."

The two men settled down with their beverages and B.J. also served a tray of sandwiches. They talked about the weather, about Erin, about travel, about Crabbaple Cove. Finally B.J. spoke up.

"I have kidney cancer. I have maybe six months. I'm done with my treatments and I'm just living on borrowed time right now. Not exactly what you expected to here but it is what it is. I'm sorry if I misled you in any way…." B.J. looked away.

"You look at me. I'm here to stay with you as long as you need me. I'll be here until the very end. I'm not going anywhere. You're my best friend and I'm going to see this through. I told you before that I love you and I still do. Maybe you don't want to hear that but when I say that to someone I mean that. I'm not going anywhere, Beej. You won't be able to get rid of me if you try. You don't know what you mean to me. I'm going to help you beat this thing. We'll take it a day at a time and we'll get you through it. I'm serious. I'll be here as long as you want me to be." Hawkeye took a deep breath and looked intently at his best friend from all those years.

B.J. took a minute to think about what Hawkeye said. At first Hawkeye was afraid he was going to get kicked out.

"Hawkeye, I know that I never told you that I loved you. I wanted to. I was scared to. I was scared of my own feelings. I wanted to tell you that so badly but I didn't know where it would lead. I thought I knew where it might lead and I just didn't know if I was ready for that. I had Peg and Erin to think about and I didn't want to be the kind of guy to walk out on my commitments. Believe me, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of you, that I didn't wonder what it would be like to kiss you or to be with you. I still wonder that to tell you the truth." B.J. looked earnestly at his former army comrade.

Hawkeye couldn't believe what he was hearing. After all these years was he finally getting the chance to kiss B.J.? IT seemed like that.

"Are you saying that you want me to….to…"

"Kiss me? That's exactly what I'm saying. Now get over here. That is if you don't mind kissing a sick old man. "

"You're not old." Hawkeye murmured as he leaned in to kiss B.J….the kiss he'd been waiting over ten years for. It was well worth it.

One kiss led to another, and pretty soon the shirts were flying off. An hour later Hawkeye was sound asleep in B.J.'s bed.

Over the next few months the two men became inseparable. They walked to the library, ate out at restaurants, went to the park, and Hawkeye went to B.J.'s doctor's appointments. Hawkeye questioned every word the doctor said, which sometimes embarrassed B.J. But overall they enjoyed their time together. B.J. was losing weight and was slowly losing the ability to enjoy some of the activities that they once did.

It was the end of summer, which pleased Hawkeye. Temperatures were cooling down, and everything was slowing down. One day he asked B.J. if he wanted to walk to the beach.

"No, I don't think so. You go on without me. I'm tired and just want to rest."

"I'm going to stay home then. That settles that."

"No. We've done everything together. I want you to go. I'm sick of you anyways. Go. That's an order."B.J. said rather bitterly.

Hawkeye, looking rather hurt, agreed. "Okay, okay. Fine. I can tell when I'm not wanted. I'll go. "

Hawkeye went and stayed all day. He had a wonderful time, although he worried about B.J. He finally made it home around six p.m. and called out for his partner. He did not receive an answer.

He called out again.

No answer.

He ran upstairs to the bed that they had shared and found the man that he loved barely breathing.

"Hold on, I'm calling for help."

"Don't bother. It's time." B.J. grabbed Hawkeye's hand.

"Just let me go. It's time to say goodbye. It's been a long hard ride and I've had my time. I'm going to miss you so much. Thank you for everything you've done. Thank you for being you. Thank you for the laughs. And don't forget…I love you." And with that, B.J. drew his last breath.

"I love you." Hawkeye whispered as he kissed B.J.'s hand.

And then it was time to let go.

He would never let go.


End file.
